Self Esteem

We talked earlier about how our brains are wired to optimize for reward – getting our needs met. Being our best selves means meeting our needs – for safety, security, community and mastery.

No one gets their needs met all the time. To help us work towards getting more of our needs met, we not only build a model of who we are currently, but a model of our ideal self.

Who would we need to be to meet all of our needs?

This ideal self may take then form of “if …then” statements. If I were prettier, then I would get more attention from men. If I were less anxious, then I would have more friends. If I worked harder, I would do better in math.

The “then” represents our perceived unmet needs. I need more attention, more friendship, better grades.

The “if” represents the traits we would need to develop to achieve those needs: being prettier, less anxious, harder working.

Our self esteem is the delta between who we believe we are right now, and what we believe we need to be to meet our needs. In other words, if I need good grades in math, and believe I’m a pretty hard worker and can just ratchet it up a notch, I likely feel better about myself and my ability to meet my math needs than if I struggle to ever sit down and study.