HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE
Depending on others to fill the emptiness inside is a very painful strategy
People that orient themselves towards connection (our BPD people above) live an incredibly volatile life, constantly dealing with the chaos, confusion and vagaries of other people.
Wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t need anyone at all? What if we could be completely self sufficient and never have to worry about what other people need or want? We could be in complete control of our destiny – we can meet all of our needs, and if we’re really good, be in control of others by meeting their needs too.
Taking this strategy means we have to be really extra-specially good at something. We have to be special, different: the smartest, the most beautiful, the hardest working, the best athlete… so the typical rule that people need other people don’t apply.
When we take on this strategy, there’s usually some truth to our self assessment. In reality, we are pretty damn smart.
And typically this strategy is reinforced by reward: I’m smart enough to get good grades without trying; my parents keep telling me how smart I am, and pay attention to me because of it.
“Being the smartest kid in the room” becomes the focal point of our sense of identity and security.
But just like the “connection junkie” becomes overly dependent on connection for their sense of self and safety; now we become overly dependent on our status as “smartest” for security – maintaining hypervigilance to any information that could threaten this position.
So we get through grade school and high school, the smartest kid in class – but our success creates our own downfall. We get into a top university, and suddenly are surrounded by all the smartest kids in class. Classes become harder, and suddenly work is required. The fantasy of breezing through education on our intellect is crushed and self doubt creeps in. What if I’m not the smartest? Will anyone love me or pay attention to me if I’m not? Our needs and self esteem arer threatened.
Just like before, feeling threatened leads to fight or flight mode. We either go on attack: downplaying or devaluing the accomplishments of others (they got an A because they had help, and I didn’t…if I had more help and others didn’t get in my way, I’d have done better) or trying to destroy the competition (through insults, isolation or other sadistic behavior).
On the flip side, we can retreat in fear and shame, suddenly devaluing ourselves (I’m just not good enough; I’m an impostor or a failure). Often this verbal self-loathing is designed to invite others to reassure us against these negative statements. This self-devaluation creates a different type of control over the threat to self esteem – “you can’t insult me more than I’ve insulted myself, so I can’t get any lower” or it can allow us to reclaim a superlative position: replacing being the “best” with being the “worst” or “most aggrieved”.