Control — Sometimes it works

This strategy of radical self reliance can be highly effective at helping an us regain control and reduce pain

In fact, if these individuals are able to continue to do work and continue to strive to meet their own high standards, this sense of threat can motivate an intense, singular focus on excellence at all costs that can drive substantial, real world success.

Yes, they exist in a constantly threatened, hypervigilant state, always on guard against competitors. But in the meantime, they achieve excellence and the fame and fortune that come with it.

The problem comes when – even at the pinnacle of success – it’s not enough. They have everything they wanted, but there is still an emptiness inside. They won the game, but they forgot about life.

Often these individuals have superficially lovely lives: spouses, families, nice houses, nice cars, community – but they don’t actually live in them. They always feel oddly estranged from it all – detached from it – like it’s a ghost town and no matter how hard they try to hug their wife and children, their arms go straight through them like vapors. They cannot connect. Nothing ever feels like enough. They are never enough.

These moments return them to the pervasive emptiness…boredom…which can result in impulsive seeking of experiences that are more: alcohol, drugs, sex, spending. Temporarily this relieves the pain – they feel that their success did buy self sufficiency, they can do whatever they want, and no one can stop them.

These individuals tend – in general – to feel very little pain, by design. They often come to treatment either for the boredom and anhedonia of their superficial lives, or – perhaps more frequently – because their behaviors towards others have done real damage. Their kids are acting out, their wife wants a divorce, their entitlement drives them to “gray zone” or actually illegal activities and they get caught, they run out of money to spend. Reality imposes its ugly face and sends a harsh reminder that they are not all powerful, but in fact are subject to the same rules of society as everyone else.

This situation can cause the individual to feel trapped. Where possible, they will withdraw from reality into their own fantasy world to maintain their delusion of greatness, omnipotence, and self sufficiency. This can work.

If and when the fantasy becomes impossible to support, however – often because reality is just too palpable to ignore – they can become suicidal or deeply depressed.