What Causes Survival Mode?
WHY SOME OF US GET STUCK IN SURVIVAL MODE
As children we learn whether or not our needs can be met in relationship with the caregivers we depend upon for survival.
Our sense of safety is directly dependent on whether our basic needs are met, and that model of our own safety tends to persist into adulthood.
Two factors contribute to whether our needs get met as children: 1) the extent of our needs, and 2) the ability of a care giver to meet them.
Sensitivity
As we talked about earlier, some people are born a bit more sensitive than others.
In the more technical terms we previously discussed, this means that our threshold for attending to surprise and errors is generally lower than the for others — even in the same context, we notice more.
This sensitivity means that — in any given situation — we experience more needs and are more acutely aware of our needs. This makes it harder for others (our caregivers) and our environments to fully meet our needs. When our needs go unmet, we feel pain and distress. Overtime, we learn that our needs will be chronically under-met — leading us to feel constantly on the bring of “not OK” and getting us stuck in survival mode.
Stress
Stress is when our needs go unmet. Sometimes, our needs are chronically under-met in reality. In families where a child is neglected, objectified, abused or just under-resourced, even children with average sensitivity will have their needs chronically un-met. This state also leads to living in survival mode.
Interaction
Personality traits are substantially heritable.
That means that a hypersensitive child is more likely than an average child to be born into a family environment where caregivers are also hypersensitive. If a caregiver is also in survival mode, they may be unable to focus on the needs of the child, because they are compelled to focus on their own needs first (that pesky hierarchy). This creates the worst possible scenario in which the child’s overwhelming needs are chronically unmet due to the care giver’s overwhelming needs, causing immense distress to the child.
