Self
👉 Self-esteem is a gauge of how well we believe we can meet our own needs.
We talked earlier about how our brains are wired to optimize for reward – getting our needs met. Being our best selves means meeting our needs – for safety, security, belonging and mastery.
No one gets their needs met all the time. To help us work towards getting more of our needs met, we not only build a model of who we are currently, but a model of our ideal self.
Who would we need to be to meet all of our needs?
This ideal self may take the form of “if …then” statements. If I were better looking, then I would get more romantic attention. If I were less anxious, then I would have more friends. If I worked harder, I would do better in math.
The “then” represents our perceived unmet needs. I need more attention, more friendship, better grades, e.g., lust, care, competence and mastery.
The “if” represents the aspects of our identity we would need to develop to achieve those needs: being better looking, less anxious, harder working.
Our self-esteem is the gap between who we believe we are right now, and who we believe we must be to meet our needs. If I need good grades in math, and believe I’m a pretty hard worker, I likely have better self-esteem about my ability to do well in math than if I struggle to ever sit down and study.
🤔 Reflection of the Day:
Which gaps between your ideal and real self are the most important to you? Which do you spend the most time thinking about? Are those gaps you think about different from the gaps you spend most time working on?