Raising the Stakes

Yesterday, we discussed the spectrum of relying on the self vs. others to meet our needs. 

I’ll admit, to me at least, the idea of self reliance sounds lovely – why would I want to depend on the fickle whims of anyone else when I can trust myself?

As we discussed a few weeks ago, the likelihood that any one person will meet their needs all the time is far lower than the likelihood that a group of people will be able to mostly meet everyone's needs. Without others to support us, we're much more likely to have a hard fall. Our situation is more volatile. 

This volatility, this risk -- of being alone without any support -- can feel scary to the best of us. 

Now imagine yourself as a small child. You legitimately have very limited ability to meet your needs on your own (maybe you can’t even walk or talk yet). You are fully reliant on your caregivers to meet your needs. 

What happens if you feel like your needs won't be met by those around you? This feeling could be due to your own heightened sensitivity making it impossible to meet your needs; or due to stressful situations, or both…

Regardless of the cause, feeling that others won’t meet our needs when we also can’t meet our needs independently is terrifying. In fact, our brains find that state of helplessness and hopelessness literally intolerable.

To survive and tolerate this state, our brains develop a defense mechanism called "splitting". Basically, our brains cope with this terror by changing our model of ourselves, saying: "You don't need them! You'll meet all your needs all by yourself, and you don't need to rely on anyone else. Don't worry, you're safe."

In other words, our brains protect us by letting us feel like we ARE our ideal-self already. We are a rock, an island. We shouldn't and won't have to rely on fickle other people to help us. 

This story helps us feel in control of ourselves and our fate. It lowers our expectations of others so we don't have to worry about whether they will or won't help us. 

But it raises the stakes on ourselves. We better be fully self-sufficient! Otherwise…there is no safety net for our needs…we risk failure…and potentially death.