Other
👉 A pattern of sequentially idealizing and devaluation others can lead to unstable relationships.
If we can’t meet any of our own needs…someone else better be able to!
Im the last chapter, we noted how difficult it can be to depend on others. Often when we feel like we can’t, we just write others off and idealize ourselves. But total self sufficiency is terrifying and exhausting. It’s no wonder then that when someone else comes along that seems like they can meet our needs, we go all in!
In other words, because we feel like they can meet our needs, we idealize them intensely instead of ourselves.
When this happens, we feel connected and loved 💛, and the world is perfect.
But we always remain sensitive to and fearful of abandonment, rejection or disappointment.
As with the self, no one can meet all our needs, and so this idealization in fact sets us up for disappointment.
When we sense the possibility of rejection, we panic – and may go to extreme measures to keep the person with us, to avoid abandonment at all costs.
When real or perceived separation or rejection happens, we blame them: they could have met all our needs, but they don’t care enough about us to do so or are cruel and punishing us by denying us all the love they could give.
This idealization and disappointment cycle leads relationships to be unstable and intense.
🤔 Reflection of the Day: Are there any common factors that drive the ups and downs in your relationships? Do you ever feel like others are cruel to you or don’t love you enough?