Identity

In the last lesson we described the vicious cycle: how a lack of agency drives dependency on others, which in turn causes emotional dysregulation, impulsive behavior, and further self-devaluation.

As our identity shrinks, becoming more and more undervalued, some profound changes in our experience of ourselves may occur. 

The less we feel like agents driving our own lives, the larger other people loom – manipulating us, controlling us, condemning us to pain. This can lead to periods of paranoia – particularly under stress – feeling like others intend to deliberately hurt us. 

Or we may feel like we lose contact entirely with reality (called “dissociation”) – which could last minutes to hours, usually under stress. This dissociation can take the form of feeling like we aren’t real (called “depersonalization”) - like we are viewing ourselves from the outside, or are operating autonomously. It can also take the form of feeling like the world around us isn’t real (called “derealization”) – and can feel like you’re in a video game or film, like everyone around you is just acting. 

Dependence on others can lead us to over-index on external feedback for who we are, and who we should become. We may tailor our life goals, our interests and our values to what we think will satisfy others and avoid us getting rejected. This in itself causes instability – as our relationships change or our perceptions of what others want from us changes, our fundamental identity changes. Said another way, it diffuses (like Boyle's law). We want our identity to feel like a nebula, or better yet a planet 🪐, not just a cloud of space dust.

This rapidly changing identity that’s externally dictated leaves us feeling fundamentally empty inside. Like the tree that falls in the woods without anyone there to hear it – without others to determine what we are, are we anything at all? 🌲

For some, it can feel like they collapse inside, or disappear entirely, when they are alone. This too can feel intolerable – perhaps more profoundly intolerable than the ups and downs of other people. We are forced to exist in non-existence.