Recap: Other

In this chapter, we discussed what psychologists call “interpersonal hypersensitivity”: a model of what happens when individuals don’t feel they can meet their needs independently. To summarize:

➡️ Connection: When an individual finds someone they feel can meet their needs, they devalue themselves and feel like the other person is their savior, idealizing them and ignoring any flaws the other person has.

• This connection can feel euphoric and all consuming. 

• Importantly, the dependent person never feels 100% safe because the consequences of the other person leaving would be catastrophic. 

➡️ Threat: Inevitably, because the other person is human, they do something that is perceived as threatening the connection: this could be a criticism, paying attention to other people or obligations, expressing uncertainty in the relationship, or being physically absent.  

• This threat launches the individual into survival mode – fight or flight: desperately trying to recover the connection by any means possible. 

• Sometimes these behaviors work. The partner says or does the right thing: “you’re right, I won’t go out with my friends, I should only be with you.” When that happens, the person feels connected again and can return to their unstable equilibrium.

• Unsurprisingly, though, these behaviors often push others away. Maybe it will happen again later. Even when they work, what if they are perpetuating an unhelpful pattern? Aloneness: The individual is then left alone and empty – and in immense pain and emptiness

• These feelings may drive impulsive behaviors to alleviate emotional pain in the moment 

• These behaviors create a vicious cycle making the person feel worse about themselves, less in control of their lives, and increasingly disconnected as people withdraw from them. 

➡️ Despair: Finally, with sufficient withdrawal, the individual may become suicidal. 

• Because the ultimate aim of these individuals is to be connected to others, often suicide attempts are “indifferent” or “ambivalent”: if someone cares enough to rescue them, then they want to live; if not, they would rather die. 

• These individuals require and frequently elicit through their actions a “holding” environment — an institution (hospital, jail) or relationship they can fully depend on to meet their needs and keep them safe.

At no point in this process does the individual feel agency. Even in the connected state, the individual is fully dependent on the other person for their wellbeing. Because of this internal emptiness and external dependency, the individual relinquishes responsibility